The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
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Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.