Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
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Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Breaking news:
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.