If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
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“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
sir, my pâté if you please
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
just leave it at the foot of the bed
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”