“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
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Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
A woman drives into a bar.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
bears
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes