The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
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No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.