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ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it