A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
You Might Also Like
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast