My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
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Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
dictator is short for richard potato
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours