Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
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4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Me in tagged photos
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned