Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
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exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”