I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
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I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
adding to the discourse
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.