Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
You Might Also Like
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
wut hotdog?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*