Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
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Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Liquor Store Parking
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
The devil.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast