After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?