Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Perfect.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.