Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut