I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
![]()
You Might Also Like
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
![]()
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
![]()
![]()
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times