I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
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Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I am crying
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.