One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
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God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson