I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
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“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
water it, i dare you
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.