RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
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ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.