[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
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*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Shortcut
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.