WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it



DAD: i’ll have the chicken

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RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”


ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-



1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively


I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.


Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming


“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”


There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.


I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working


GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.