@fro_vo

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

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@BassoonJokes

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

@Reverend_Scott

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

@BradBroaddus

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

@ObscureGent

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

@callieac8

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

@JimmerThatisAll

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

@HomeProbably

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

@Marlebean

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

@chopper4jk

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.