embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
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[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.