When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
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Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?