It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
You Might Also Like
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
North and South
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’