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Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?