If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
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I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.