If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.