The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
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Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Eat…
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.