employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
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her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
12653.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.