While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
She: I like Cats
He:
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
A leaf blower, but for people.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!