My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
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Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
When you’ve simply given up.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Blew out my flip flop…
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Duck typos.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no