“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
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[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Rt to bother an English speaker