[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
#merica
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken