#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
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Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.