“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.