I have never heard an armadillo before.
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A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I don’t know what to do
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.