Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
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Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
can’t catch a break
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair