To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
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A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
The future is now.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.