Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

It has been 3 years since Monday.

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.