sir, my pâté if you please
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slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks