“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Life cycle of cat
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.