Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
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If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Love is always patient and kind.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.