Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
is this how new cars are made??
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
The funk soul brother
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.