i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
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TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.