OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
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her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani