Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
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I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Investing in beetcoin
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.