Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
remember
only for emergencies
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya