Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

Basically.

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.