Wednesday
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An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Perfect.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.