Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
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Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Roses are red
Violets are blue
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog