People who hate candy corn love telling you.
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[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
good work, detective
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.