“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
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A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol