To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
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People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Had an epiphany today.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”